There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
