your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
