I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
