I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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