so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
