so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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