I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
