Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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