I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
