he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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