remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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