Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
