bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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