So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She told me I should be a condom model.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
