Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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