seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
