I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
