At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
