life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
