maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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