Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My life is pants optional.
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