You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
That's intense
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
