woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
