Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize