What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
