i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
