I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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