as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
