I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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