his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
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You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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