Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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