I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
