He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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