my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Come see our sink grown plant.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You pole danced in your parka.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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