we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
