there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Randomize
