i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You've changed since you got that strap on
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
