Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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