im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
