The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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