Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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