is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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