you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
