Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
