did you get engaged???
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
