My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
