the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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