we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
