We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
