u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
