i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
