a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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