Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
