my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
