My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
