Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
