1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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