Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
