Your face is a jimmy john
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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